Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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