So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
