I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
i dont even know how to be here
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Randomize
