This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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