worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
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I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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