I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
