you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize