he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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