i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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