He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
