Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize
