Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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