If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Randomize
