Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
21 Dirty Secrets From Bachelor/Bachelorette Parties That Have Destroyed Marriages
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
23 Fathers Confess The Best Way They’ve Messed With Their Daughter’s Boyfriend
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.