I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
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I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
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you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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