saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
