I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
it's like heaven, but drunker
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
