The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
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