There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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