she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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