Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
It's no shave November. This is our time.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
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