You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
