Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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