Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
