the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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