Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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