Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
