i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Randomize
