I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Randomize
