fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
