My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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