You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
