I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
