yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
God, I missed his penis.
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