I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
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