So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
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