A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
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Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
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he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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