If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
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