Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
