i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Shame - the story of my life.
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