hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
29 People Who Do Dirty Things Just To Get Their Way
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
These 25 People Are Obsessed With Pizza
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.