Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.