Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
