An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
someone owes me an orgasm
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize