I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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