I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
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NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
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It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.