She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
