On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
