I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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