is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
