This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
