i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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