she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
