Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Randomize
