he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I just sucked dick on a ferry
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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