Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
