Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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