i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
