I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
