I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
