Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
